I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
