Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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