Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
