After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
