My hand turned me down
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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