So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
