im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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