I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
