I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
