i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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