her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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