Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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