I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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