I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I deserve this hangover.
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