I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
