never play flip cup with pint glasses
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
