my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
