Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
