people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
