when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
