I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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