I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
