He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
