You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
