Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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