I'm going to rape someone's good day.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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