Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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