I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
