so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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