Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
