Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
