This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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