dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
