fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
