Are we in a gay sports bar?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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