I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
