Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
