this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
well, you know. whores of a feather.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
