pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
