Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This baby is an asshole
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
