I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
