a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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