It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
