Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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