He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
