There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
