hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
