so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
