My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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