If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
